11:11 is the random time as I open this journal. He used to tell me that whenever he glanced at the time and it was all the same number, like 2:22 or 1:11 or whatever, he took it as a sign from the universe to remind him to be grateful that the universe sent me to him. That was when the newness of loving me created those rapid neuron firings and release of happy neurotransmitters that he needed to distract him from the pain that he carried. That phase doesn’t last forever. It ebbs and flows. I warned him of that in the beginning. But I know he found it nearly impossible to live beyond the exact moment he was in so that whatever he was feeling at any given moment felt like how he would feel for the rest of his life. He found it hard to plan for the future because he couldn’t envision the future. He was barely holding onto the now. I thought I sort of understood but now that I have seen into that room, I know that my understanding was very shallow; that’s not to say that I wasn’t trying, bc lord knows I was. It’s just that you can’t know what you don’t know until you know it kind of thing. I think that’s the most profound cliche known to mankind. I love the circularity of it but mostly I appreciate the absolute truth held in those words. There are so many cliche’s in the world, and circular statements that sound profound or fancy or clever but when you break them down they actually don’t mean anything at all. Hence my deep appreciation for the aforementioned phrase. For those in the back, here it is again:
You don’t know what you don’t know until you know it
Word. Or whatever the fuck the cool slang is for when someone says something profoundly true. Fucking word, motherfucker.