My fingers hover over the keyboard because they know my mind is a cauldron of mixed up words haphazardly collected as I walk through the fog that is this grief. In all those words I find one phrase….this sucks so bad. It has been 201 days since my husband killed himself. There are moments whenContinue reading “On the eve of his birthday”
Tag Archives: Grief
Muhly Grass Blooms
This morning I almost didn’t make it out of bed again. Friday arrived while I slept and settled in with no particular mood. It was simply here, sitting in the Friday chair. I couldn’t find the anchors that were lost yesterday morning, so I had to make do with an improvised set that looked nothingContinue reading “Muhly Grass Blooms”
From Yesterday
I’m out of bed. So what? Big fucking deal. I’m back inside of day one, morning one, except this time there is no funeral to plan, no details of a military burial to go over, nothing to distract my mind from whatever the fuck place this is where nothing makes sense. Today I DoorDashedContinue reading “From Yesterday”
Doorways
Sometimes I feel like this blog should be called “Becoming a bitch: Life in the aftermath of suicide”. Or perhaps that term offends people, so I will change it to ‘Becoming an asshole after your husband kills himself”. This way people might know that becoming a widow isn’t just learning to fold this new title intoContinue reading “Doorways”
Droplets
Sometimes I see a Flying J and stopSometimes I put hazelnut in my coffee cupSometimes it’s the chill of winter’s skySometimes your eyesall the conversations kept insideAlwaysall the faces that I sometimes meetAlwaysthey are never youSometimes I see a Flying J and stop.Sometimes I put hazelnut in my coffee cupDroplets of a dreamwithout warning IContinue reading “Droplets”
Layers
Life lays hidden, unpredictable Wrapped in layers of routines Blinds to open Dogs to feed Clocks to set Meals to eat They keep us safe We think Then one day, maybe a doorbell rings Are you his wife? This isn’t real Please have a seat I can’t He was found No he wasn’t Just downContinue reading “Layers”
Beau
When I woke up yesterday morning, he wasn’t nestled up against me. I had forgotten what life was like before he found me 3 months ago. Worried about my fearless friend, I went in search of him. Turns out he had finally discovered the kitten cove/bed I bought for him which has been sitting inContinue reading “Beau”
Secrets
This isn’t some great piece of poetic prose. It is a raw accounting of the text I received last night and the emotions it forced from the safety of the corners where I keep them. I am physically ill. The tsunami of tears has been unleashed. I am sickened by how humans treat one another. Continue reading “Secrets”
Old Friends
It’s Tuesday again. This isn’t something I think consciously when the sun ushers it in like clockwork every week. It’s something that sits in the chair in the corner of my room, patiently waiting for me to open my eyes. Even then it doesn’t announce it’s presence. It doesn’t say “hi” or “good fucking morning,Continue reading “Old Friends”
Good luck
I went to the store after work. I knew I needed to get out of the house. I can’t remember the last time I left. Oh yeah, I ran up to the garden center 8 days ago to get compost. I’ve been in this house ever since. Being at home day after day without muchContinue reading “Good luck”
Tuesdays
Sometimes when I open my eyes I feel the heaviness of the day embracing my body like it thinks it’s my duvet and it’s job is to wrap itself around me. At least now it’s only sometimes. In those first few weeks I felt the weight of the day like a quilt laying on meContinue reading “Tuesdays”
Sleep’s understudy
It’s late. I overslept. That’s not accurate. Sleep plays tricks on the grieving, coming and going outside of regularly scheduled programming. Last night’s program was scheduled to play until circa 0500, maybe 0600 depending on the sloth rating of my mind. Instead, on this morning, sleep shut down programming at 0300-ish and woke me upContinue reading “Sleep’s understudy”
The shadow, the tree and the road
Life is unpredictable and unforgiving. You must accept the things it offers up without warning. Offer is the wrong word, it implies that I have a choice to accept it or not. Some things are offered and some are just dropped, unceremoniously right in your lap. There’s no getting around them. Slammed into existence. Continue reading “The shadow, the tree and the road”
Ordinary Days
Day three back to work. I am not crumpled up in a ball on the floor unable to function. I am not laying in my bed trying to convince myself that there’s a world worth waking up for. I am sitting on my porch, dogs fed, kitten cuddled, coffee in hand, listening to the birds. Continue reading “Ordinary Days”
Doorbells are dangerous
It was a regular Tuesday for most of the day: morning routines, animals to feed, news to read. I wont bore you with the details of my perfectly boring day. I don’t even mind boring days because it means that, for now, tragedy hasn’t breached the pretend walls I’ve constructed on a very flimsy foundationContinue reading “Doorbells are dangerous”
Becoming a Widow 